Soooo...I think I am depressed.

[renie408]

I don't want to go out of the house, I am eating like there is no tomorrow, I am tired all the time and I just want to...evaporate? I don't *think* I am actively suicidal or anything, I just feel like it would be so nice to 'cease to be'. It's not like this all the time, but a lot of the time. Seems like I feel this way more and more.

We have been struggling for the past four years. Every month it is a struggle to get to the next month so that we can struggle to get to the next month. Every bill is behind and I have to constantly juggle which ones are getting paid by the cut off date. We don't have health insurance, we are both self-employed and always have been and my husband works construction and I run a small horse boarding and training farm. I don't even want to go look at the horses any more. I am sick of my life and I feel like a big baby because all I can think is that there are people a lot worse off out there. But instead of making me put my chin up, that just makes me want to quit even more.

And I have never been a quitter, always a fighter. But I feel like I am all fought out. I just don't have any reserves left. I am living on the internet and the only thing I have ANY passion for these days is this election. I know what I need to do: eat better, get some exercise, get outside, work some horses...blah blah blah. But all I want to do is go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

Every time I think we are going to get ahead...we slide right back down again. We are down to one old car that is pretty much patched together. Our truck is now no more. How the fuck is my husband supposed to get to the few jobs he has without a truck? I feel like we are doing something wrong, but I can't figure out what it is. Accept that we are not making enough money. THAT I have grasped.

I spent half the day telling people in GD to stop being so concerned. Then I slowed down and realized how concerned I am. Not about the election, but about my shitty, going nowhere life. I am 48 and I feel like I am done, with nothing to look forward to.