I probably have breast cancer (again)

[cyclonefence]

About a week ago, I noticed a bloody discharge from my nipple on the breast where I'd had cancer in 2012. Ironically, I was just "aged out" of my annual oncologist's office visit. My pcp sent me for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound, and for the first time ever in my experience, the radiologist came out immediately and wanted to make sure I had an appointment to see a breast surgeon. My last mammogram was last February and was clear, and now I apparently have a largish mass. I've had a hell of a time scheduling first the ultrasound--ended up going to another facility--and now getting an appointment with the breast surgeon. The wonderful surgeon who gave me my lumpectomy last time has moved out of state, so I'm starting over.

I am not worried about the cancer. If I'm reading the NIH statistics correctly, there's a 93% survival after five years rate, and I weathered surgery, chemo and radiation just fine last time. My concern now is antsiness, waiting for the process to start. I tried to call for an appointment on Friday, but the lines were so busy I had to leave my number, to be called back "on the next business day," which it has recently occurred to me is Tuesday, not Monday. I'm going nuts with the uncertainty and waiting. I want to sleep until Tuesday.

My other concern, a much more important one, is for my husband. He is so worried about me. He carries the real burden of my treatment, when it comes, and I don't know what to do to help him feel better. My job is easy, once the process starts: I do what they tell me to. It's out of my hands, and I'm not afraid. But no one tells him what to do, and I know he is afraid. We have been married 49 years, and this will be my third cancer (the second was kidney), so the poor man has had to go through this twice before. For various reasons (mostly unwanted advice from nutcase cousins) we agree not to tell anyone in the family until we have to--i.e. if I lose my hair--but I'm going to tell him I want him to talk to his friends about it, if he wants to. I don't care about people knowing I have cancer; it's just that I don't want to be put into the position again of having to be kind to crazy people while I feel weak.

If anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Otherwise, I just need a place to vent.