one month of no cigarettes

[Moostache]

128. Congrats and know that the hard part - making it past the physical cravings is not it - comes in waves...

I am now celebrating an interesting milestone of sorts...smoke-free for 17 years today. I will offer this to you as encouragement - as long as you have a reason to NOT smoke that is powerful AND personal to you, then IT IS POSSIBLE to quit and never go back. So good job on the first hurdle and good luck with those to come. I am rooting for you to succeed!

I was a pack-a-day smoker from age 16 to 37. I received a diagnosis of renal cell carcinoma in 2008 - today (April 3rd). I went cold turkey off cigarettes that day, but needed nicotine gum and lozenges to ween my body off of the drug. The only thing that worked for me (and everyone is different, so your results may obviously vary!!) was a complete tear down and restructuring of my social life and daily habits. I had to reinvent myself to avoid the habit and the activities that drove my addiction.

I had to "retire" from playing competitive billiards in the (then) Bud Light leagues I played in. I also gave up drinking beer. I had formed very powerful neural pathways that associated a cigarette with playing pool or drinking beer, so strong that I found my enjoyment prety much eliminated by constant cravings for a cigarette. I stopped going to bars and night clubs (they still allowed indoor smoking in them at that time - though now that is a relic I understand kind of like my then 37 year old ass in the dance club was LOL!!!). I missed it, but I also knew that kicking the habit was for me all about changing the images in my brain as well as the chemistry in my blood. If I had not made life changes, the results were going to be predictable - I would resume smoking.

I wish I could say this was all a great success story and that I was able to apply this to other areas of my life with the same results - sadly that is not the case. I gained weight after quitting, a solid 65 pounds that I have never been able to shed to date. I detest working out; seriously, the very thought of it breaks me out in hives at times. My brain flat out revolts with images of discomfort, aches and pains and sore muscles, sweat and the feeling of wet clothing on your back sticking to the seats in the car... ALL very visceral, emoive things going on in my head. Its exhaustiing by itself. I also refuse to feel hungry or not be able to eat or sample some foods or dishes because "that's bad for your weight". I am in a mental war with my own brain over this as well... while I was easily able to convince myself that stopping smoking at 37 was 100% necessary and worthwhile (to raise my 5 children, to live my life with my wife of 29 years now, to do things in my career and personal life that I still wanted to do) Now? I find my subconscious wielding negative images with aplomb why bother with this if you are unlikely to stick with it? Why try to extend your life expectancy if the world around you is going to shit and your future reward is dementia and incapacitation in your 80s anyway? I find myself in dark places often as a result.

I know from experience HOW to make life changes for myself - very successful ones at that!; but, I also struggle now with the impact of father's dementia progression (age 82 but nearly incapacitated and a shell of what he was even 3 years ago) as well as my grandmother's struggle with the same thing (she was severely demented from age 83 to her death at age 96). These events and experiences have left some deep scars on me and sapped my desire to prolong my life into those ages because I am CONVINCED that would be my fate as well. I notice (and obsess over) times when I literally cannot recall something - a date, a name, an event... I can still 'see' it in my mind... but my ability to comprehend or communicate it is temporarily just...gone. Anywho... all of that sad story is just to say, weight control (and the lifestyle changes like dietary restrictions, exercise programs and the like) do not tickle my same survival instinct the way a cancer diagnosis at 37 did, so while I kicked cigarettes without ever again smoking, I am incapable of changing my life further to avoid excessive weight. Nicotine-released dopamine was overcome... mental and digestive and emotional dopamine from eating and not allowing for external imposition of limits? Sadly, I do not have the same will power or desires any longer.

In the end, I had cancer in my kidneys that was discovered at the absolute earliest possible moment (serendipiously at that - food poisoning and an ER visit with an abdominal CT found it only because an attentive X-Ray tech saw something and told me to get a second opinion right away) whether it was smoking related or not is debatable (though at the time I mentally attached the two together in a iron-clad relationship), but I do know most renal cell carcinomas are asymptomatic until they metastisize and spread to other locations, and when they are detected, it is usually because the patient is in deep trouble and stage 3 or later.