This line has really affected me.

[OldBaldy1701E]

I will post a link to the teaser trailer I am quoting.

So, there are now 'teasers' about the upcoming Hail Mary from Marvel, i.e.: Avengers: Doomsday. One of them involves the 'X-Men' from the 2000s movies. (You know, Hallie Berry, Hugh Jackman, Sir Patrick Stewart, etc.) The trailer is interesting, but what is said during it has really hit me hard.

"The question isn't 'are you prepared to die?'... the question is... who will you be... when you close your eyes?'"

My answer is 'no one'. Completely pathetic. Because I am no one. I have had no impact on anyone or anything, except when my curse comes into play and I end whatever it was that I was involved with. (Every band I have ever been in ended right after I joined. Every band I started either ended within a year or decided to play with someone else due to 'creative differences', which is another term for 'we don't like your direction and we are too lazy to discuss it'.)

Who will you be? I sincerely hope that everyone else gets to 'be' whatever it is that you are aiming for. My time is done. I understood that after the first time I was left alone with issues that could have been helped, but I am not rich or powerful, so on one felt there was enough of a reason to bother.

When I close my eyes, I will be no one, because I lived as no one.

It was not by choice.

[LoisB]

1. You are absolutely someone. You are a unique human being.

[OldBaldy1701E]

6. Thanks. (n/t)

[mwmisses4289]

2. You are someone.

You OPs and thoughtful replies to posts on this board certainly have an impact on me.

I am who I am.
I am.

[OldBaldy1701E]

7. I appreciate that.

I have been realizing that this mind is not as sharp as it once was.

Part of me welcomes it. Face it, there is an appeal to being 'thick as a brick' (as Ian Anderson once said).

[Ocelot II]

3. You couldn't be more mistaken. You are a unique person with value.

Most people don't get to be anything special; the vast majority of us live and die in relative obscurity, but nobody is nothing. I'm nothing special; I'm old and I don't have children to mourn my death or miss me when I'm gone. I don't expect my funeral to be well-attended. But I know I've had some impact, however small, on the world. So have you. We all leave footprints on the universe. You're leaving them now. I always read your posts and I feel sad when I read about how little you value yourself. I wish I could change your mind.

(When I feel a little regretful about the fact that I've never done anything remarkable that will cause me to be remembered, I keep in mind the fact that at least millions of people won't be out in the streets celebrating my departure when I go. I don't think many of us want to be that guy. )

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. Thank you for the laugh!

I don't expect my funeral to be well-attended.

I know that you were not trying to be funny with this one line, but it made me think about my own demise and ceremony, assuming they even hold one. I can attest that mine will have a very sparse gathering. That is again assuming that anyone will be there. In fact, the humorous part was me thinking about the fact that there could well be a few happy dancers there, awaiting the moment when any official ceremony is over so that they can start a jig on that mound. There is no one that has not made a few enemies in life, at times without even any knowledge of doing so until after the fact.

That was what stuck me as funny. Your wonderful words were not what I was talking about. I appreciate your kindness.

I suppose the concept of being 'special' has its appeal, but I was never trying for that. I just wanted to be able to survive and do what I love to do.

But, I couldn't even do that. My body has given out due to slaving away at trying to get to that plateau. My mind is collapsing because I see no reason to stop it from happening. I have a husband. He is becoming a zombie because he is the only one working. He slaves away at a place that has screwed him so completely that he is also in need of some serious mental health aid. We cannot find anything because there is only thing for the wealthy. Only they can find actual medical help of any real worth. We are not even close to that level, so we are 'expendable'. I have to sit and watch him slowly wear away every day. I can do nothing. I have tried to find some work, even though that will be a royal shitshow as I cannot be dependable or reliable as far as being able to to do whatever it is. My neuropathy may act up at any time, along with my arthritis, or I may just mentally shut down. I am not going to find out, though, as no one is interested in hiring someone who looks as defeated and decrepit as I do.

You should see my new drivers license photo. I look like the typical old fart who yells at the clouds. Because I could not smile. I thought I was doing so. I thought I was smiling. It is a grimace. We tried three times, and it just got worse. I finally just went with the one that is on there now. I am embarrassed to even show it. It looks like the evil twin of me, like in that Star Trek TOS episode 'The Enemy Within'.

I just wish everyone a satisfied life. I did not get one, but I hope that others do. That is my motivation and it is why I say what I say. We are not aware enough yet to understand that this country is still biased in every way and the 'progress' that we think we have made is all superficial. There is so much rot in this situation and I despair because we don't seem interested in fixing it. Just patching it enough to let us get out of the current mess, then the kids can deal with it.

That sucks, in my opinion. (Sorry for the rambling. I have no one to talk to around here.)

[Tbear]

4. The harder I tried to rise up, the more people try to pull me down.

Like bugs crawling to the top of the open jar while the other bugs knock them down trying to jump over them.

Forgiving others can be hard but the hardest thing can be forgiving your younger self. It’s all I know to do when the negative thoughts come.

We all do what seems best at the time. Being neither a liar nor a thief while doing so is my small comfort for never achieving anything noteworthy.

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. I agree. But, being noteworthy was not my goal.

Being satisfied that what I had done in life was out there and hopefully doing its job is what I wanted. To be able to live and do that.

Oh, what a Universal Income would do for artists! To have the means to at least survive while you follow your dream is a luxury that I never had and my life during those times were something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Sure, there were good times. The fact that they were the exception is very disturbing when one thinks about it.

Forgiveness is something that is hard for me. Mainly because a) this brain loves to replay things, and b) there are some things that cannot be forgiven.

Well, being an entertainer, 'lying' is kind of my trade. (LOL). I take comfort in the fact that it is done for that purpose and does not (normally) translate into actual falsehoods that would affect people'e lives (Hear that, Fox???)

But, I hear you. There is always the comfort that I did not start a war, or cause a riot (we almost did once... rock bands can have that effect on some folks), nor have I destroyed someone's livelihood.

There is comfort in that, for sure.

[Eko]

5. I look at it this way. There is Hitler and then Gandhi.

If you end up more toward Gandhi then you did well.
117 billion humans lived before you. The vast majority, by far the vast majority just lived their lives and died. Very few of those did anything of note and of those that did so many did bad things of note. You are a human. That's what you did, you lived as a human. that's what you were supposed to do. Did you try to make people smile, help people, love? Did you experience the joys and sadness throughout your life? You are on here sharing all the time, you could have been selfish and not done so. I believe you are much better than you think you are. As for the band thing, as a musician for 37 years who went to school for it and works in the music industry what you experienced is common. Every time I see you post here I read it to see what others like me who are alone are experiencing and realize that I may be alone but I am not really alone when I can share with you and everyone here.
You are better than you think you are.
Keep on keeponing.
Eko.

[OldBaldy1701E]

10. Thanks.

You mentioned this:

Did you try to make people smile, help people, love?

Did I try? Sure. Did I succeed? Did I even get close?



We really need to trade war stories one day. I suspect the others here who are not familiar with the entire 'musician' thing would get a kick out of it. Of course, it is not the music 'industry', it has not been that for almost 50 years. It is the music 'business', because it has to make money. That did not used to be the main drive, it was to create art. BUT... the insidious nature of greed had to worm its way into that as well. That is the problem with greed. It knows no morals or ethics.

Funnily enough, I sometimes feel that I am being selfish by posting. Putting my pitiful stuff on here is pretty much all I have. So, I post, even as I feel stupid for doing so.

I appreciate your kind words. However, my 'keeping on' is now being decided by a combination of luck and what little medicines I can afford.

So, probably not going to keep on happening much longer.

[Eko]

11. But you tried.

Thats what counts. In the end do any of us actually know if we succeeded in those.
I remember when you could be a decent band and get paid to play, half way decent even. We could do 3 state tours and not lose money missing work even though we ended up sleeping at peoples houses on couches and floors or even sleeping in the van. I remember when the venues started making us pay to play and we had to sell the tickets to their venue to come out even. I quit doing tours with original bands about then and moved on to teaching and playing in a show band.
If you feel selfish posting on here then allow yourself to be a little selfish. Post away.
If you need help affording medicines ask, DU is a pretty good community and we try to help if we can. Reach out to us, dont be silent in your hurt and need.
Eko.