My Experience with the LGBTQ+ Activism

[NCgayguy]

I wanted to post this here because I think sometimes, we all need a reminder from time to time to renew our souls and purpose for why we battle and struggle in these uncertain times. There are so many issues involved for the LGBTQ+ that many folks may think are separate, but they really aren’t. They are all about human rights. There’s a reason for a RAINBOW UMBRELLA, if we can’t shield all then we must all stand in the storm together if we are to survive. I don’t want to come across as too maudlin in this post, but I must give warning that what you are about to read may be upsetting to some. I don’t mean it to be because it’s very emotional for me as well.

I keep Tommy’s Facebook Active for several reasons and today a question was asked in a group I joined. The question: “How were you affected by the AIDS crisis in the eighties? I have to tell you, The number of replies were staggering!

This was my reply.

“Dear Gay Men's Life After 60, What a truly deeply emotional question to ask! God Bless YOU! Sometime people need reminding! Tommy and I lost many friends back then and on into the early 90's. We marched on DC and Reagan in 87. We saw the AIDS MEMORIAL QUILT on its first public display. The mood and sights there were such unity that I've never seen since. We may be old, and some no longer among us BUT as I always say, "We were young once. We marched on Reagan in '87. We made a difference for equality hoping today's younger generation will never have to experience the hatred we fought!" People sometimes forget when they look at those photos of the 80's and farther back to Stonewall and throughout history that the young people in those photos are some of the elders of LGBTQ+ among them still. Thank you for asking for our heartfelt memories! May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy........AND LOVED! Reis, Tommy's Loving Husband of 41 Years! ”

Then the OP replied to me that he thought it was a good question to ask among our age group, and this was my response to that.

“You are on spot! The things I clearly remember would bring you to tears! Example, there was a mother by a quilt with a photo of her son. She told us all about him. SO HANDSOME, like a movie star! People gathered around her and listened, and we cried. Then someone started a line and we each hugged her. I still cry to this day about that. Then as we walked along the Quilt, the audible sounds of moans and crying were sobering! I still get chills. There was love there too that day and smiles and hearing people asking," Did you know him?" ......I can't write anymore right now; I'm getting too emotional. Thank you for allowing us to share! May You Be Healthy, Safe and Happy.......AND LOVED! Reis, Tommys' Loving Husband! ”

My hope in posting in this forum is that younger members here and allies will see a perspective from someone (Tommy and Me) who were activist back then and as I said in my response “We were young once…” We really did make a difference though seemingly small to some it was a much harsher time; I assure you! I want younger people to never experience the level of hate, shame and anger that was thrusted upon us. In this day of uncertainty, under this regime, I fear they may! I cry for them. I do, truly!

Thank you for reading!
May You All Be Healthy, Safe and Happy……AND LOVED!
Reis, Tommy’s Proud and Loving Husband of 41 years!

(and YES, you are going to see me post that “sign off” a lot because I do love My Tommy and I am so proud of him and our 41 years together!)

[sdfernando]

1. I came of age right at the beginning of the AIDS crisis

For my 1st “real” job I moved to San Francisco and I joined the gay band there…I saw friends get sick and die. I visited some in the hospital and the related how so few of the other band
members visited….THAT made me sad and angry! How could our own brothers not offer some semblance of support.

I moved back home to San Diego not long after and joined the gay band here….still a member after almost 40 years!….we lost a lot of members over the years too. All of them in San Diego and San Francisco were young and vibrant people….to die so young! I’m tearing up right now thinking about them….how is it that I’m still here?

Anyway….I’m raising a glass to all of them right now. I miss you all!

[NCgayguy]

3. I know your anger too well!

Dear sdferando,

I do understand the anger you felt about your brothers not offering support. I am going through something right now where I feel that same anger and sadness. It's about a different matter within our community but still my heart breaks for you! I also share in your loss of loved ones. You and I experienced too much death too early in our lives.

".....how is it that I'm still here?" you asked. I get that. I've thought that too, many times over the years. I sometimes think it's because Tommy and I found each other so young, so in love, and "WE WERE THE LUCKY ONES!" There really is no clear answer but when you ask yourself that, I hope you will remember all the lives you've touched since then. All the love you gave and all those who have loved you! You are of value to the world even if you are not sure what it is. YOU are loved and have loved and you make a difference in this world, just from that alone!

There is a sense of separation I feel with the younger LGBTQ+ and even with our own older generation that I don't like. I feel as members of an already marginalized people, the older we are among them, the closer to the shredded fringe we are pushed, to be eventually loped off. Even among our own. We are forgotten. We lack the support from our own. The younger LGBTQ+ ,as well as hetero population and so on, don't remember that our people die off in groves. Our generation of LGBTQ+ of all colors, all religions, of all economic and societal groups, (most being male) experienced a genocide for lack of funding and support from the world. Yet somehow, and this is only my belief, no one actually thinks of it that way because it wasn't them . It's not written in their history. But you and I know differently. Can you imagine how great we could be if all our friends had lived? I think about that. What our generation would have accomplished if we had all survived. The numbers in the population we would have claimed! It makes me smile to think such possible dreams! If only....

I am thrilled you are still in gay band and sharing your music! That is a major accomplishment! Congratulations on that!

Thank you for replying to my post, I felt like I was talking with a friend tonight!
May You Be Healthy, Safe and Happy and LOVED!
Reis

[Keepthesoulalive]

7. You are here

To bear witness to the pain ,suffering, apathy and fear of a disease that destroyed so many vibrant lives. Unfortunately people have short memories but you are with us to never let us forget.

[NCgayguy]

10. Thank you!

Dear Keepthesoulalive,

Such fitting name for the response you just gave! Bravo! I loved it!

Yes I am here as a reminder and I hope to keep telling my journey about those days so no one will forget. Tommy and I were the lucky ones, we not only survived but we are privileged to fight for those who deserved to be remembered.

Thank you!
Reis

[sdfernando]

18. Thank you NCgayguy!

I’m so happy you and Tommy are among us and still fighting for our community!

I share your disappointment in our younger community in general. But let us remember that they haven’t experienced the hardships and discriminations older generations did. The hard fights we had to endure, Stonewall and AIDS (for the most part) are just known through history….and not taught in schools. But with the current mis-administration I think they will experience some of it.

I was devastated when Kamala lost the election! I dream of what could have been instead of the chaos we have now. I cannot abide by what is being done and said in our names! The damage being done will take decades to mend, if ever. This country is NOT the country I thought it was.

Anyway, as I said, I’m happy for you and Tommy!

[NCgayguy]

20. I should have been more clear with you.

Tommy passed away on Jan 1st, 2025, this year from pancreatic cancer. He passed in our home, in my arms. My life will never be the same. Though I have lurked on here for years, I joined DU thinking it would distract me from the trauma and the grief I am going through. It can be an escape for me at times but the reality is, I'm lost now. All I know how to do is to take care of Tommy and our home. I won't go into more personal detail but things are really difficult for me now. You could not have known so don't feel bad, please!

As I said, reading and responding to your reply gave me comfort. I owe you gratitude for that!
Sincerely,
Reis

[sdfernando]

22. Oh No! I'm so very sorry.

Pancreatic cancer is difficult to go through from what I understand. Tommy was lucky to have you and to be at home. I know that nothing will ever fill that void. I hope you find solace in all the good times you had together.

Thinking of you.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My reply is to support you and your beloved husband, my dear Reis.

I cannot for the life of me understand why people find the LGBTQ+ family so abhorrent. We are all human, we all have people we love, we all make a community, we all contribute hugely to everyone's well-being.

Somewhere I saw a slogan: I am not gay, but I am supportive.

I stand with you in solidarity!

[LoisB]

5. As do I. I hope for the day that ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. all become

irrelevant and we just treat each other as a fellow human being.

[NCgayguy]

9. Amen! From you lips to .........

[NCgayguy]

6. That means so much, truly!

Dear Peggy,

Thank you for your support. We all have to support each other more now than ever. I hope you have the opportunity to read my reply above you. I think it might be listed as number 3. (not sure, I'm still learning this site).

Unfortunately for all people, for all reasons, color, sex, identity, religion, social and economic status, and so on, their will always be a divide. What a pity mankind struggles with ego, greed and power when a more loving a beautiful world of nature surrounds us. Yet we humans are the ones foolishly thinking we rule the world.

Thank you for your response, I loved it!
Reis

[LoisB]

4. Thank you for posting this. Sometimes, things get better and many forget what it took to get

to "better".

[NCgayguy]

8. Hi LoisB!

Thank you for your reply! You are right! I think the world is moving at such a pace now that it's too easy to lose site of the past.

Thank you, truly!
Reis

[LoisB]

14. Those of us who lived through those times are obligated to remember and pass along

our remembrances of the struggles. I lost a friend to AIDS.

[JMCKUSICK]

11. I've bookmarked this thread

And pray that people work to keep it going. I was in my early twenties in the late eighties and driving a cab and then working in the emergency medical field for the major ambulance service in OKC, OK.
I was never more than peripherally affected by AIDS but having witnessed all forms of death/dying, I'm reminded that many WWII veterans never spoke of what they saw and felt, especially at such young ages.
Please let this thread be a safe place to share and yes, to educate.
Please remember that there's still people who need healing and true grieving not just for their loss, but for the abuse and cruelty that so tragically had been attached to every single AIDS death from the beginning.
Thank you NCgayguy for giving me a chance and a choice to join you and so many others in your celebration and mourning.
Love, John

[NCgayguy]

15. Thank you!

Dear John,

That is so nice of you! Support for the LGBTQ+ is always welcome because it is support for all people. I fear some folks may not understand that the letters of LGBTQ+ means EVERYONE. It really does. Equality for all or no one is equal. We are all "One in a Million!" as Janis Ian would say! If you haven't heard Janis sing this with Joan Baez, I highly recommend it!

It would be a blessing if more people were willing to realize we are all mourning and celebrating someone who deserves our support!

May You Be Healthy, Safe and Happy....AND LOVED!
Reis

[Figarosmom]

12. Welcome to DU

Tonight you've made 2 posts that were required reading in my opinion. Both thoughtful, compassionate and reflective. Thank you for reminding us of what is important in life.

[NCgayguy]

16. What a beautiful response!

Dear Figarosmom,

Thank you! You touched my heart! I am humbled by your words! Please accept my heartfelt gratitude!

May You Be Healthy, Safe and Happy.....AND LOVED!
Reis

[58Sunliner]

13. Yes!!! I grew up in the Bay Area and spent a lot of time in SF. I hate that people paint boomers as all one thing.

For some reason people don't think of the generations that took on the fight for LGBTQ rights and dignity. They forget the contributions made politically and socially. It is horrendous to think of that work being erased and communities minimized and oppressed. Bless you.

[NCgayguy]

17. Well said!

Dear 58Sunliner,

You are right! Forgetfulness is part of the reason we are doomed to repeat the past. Your words reminded me of lyrics to a song, "Scars are souvenirs you never lose, The past is never far..." I wear those scars on my heart and my sleeve as badges of honor. The lyrics to that song helps me to remember how I use to be more diligent in my efforts to educate others and myself. We all must realize, each of us has something to learn and something to teach if we are to grow toward a better future in a brighter world.

Before My Tommy's stroke in 2019 and then terminal cancer, I was much more apt to remind folks about equality. Maybe when I find myself in a brighter place in the future I will take more of a stand than I am doing now. It helps when I see good folks like yourself taking a stand for me!

Thank you, truly
May You Be Healthy, Safe and Happy.....AND LOVED!
Reis

[AllaN01Bear]

19. came out @ age 16. my late mom knew all along.

for thee.

[NCgayguy]

21. Thank you!