The Borowitz Report: God Formally Notifies Mike Johnson That he is Going to Hell

[FakeNoose]

Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/god-formally-notifies-mike-johnson-f8e

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that many called long overdue, on Thursday God formally notified House Speaker Mike Johnson that he was going to Hell.

In a rare public statement, the Almighty said that Johnson’s support of Donald Trump’s war in Iran was the “last straw” that sealed the Speaker’s eternal damnation.

“What do you do with someone who claims to be a Christian and supports killing civilians?” God asked. “You send his ass to Hell, that’s what.”

Confronted by reporters in a Capitol corridor, Johnson said he was “disappointed” by the Heavenly Father’s decision, but added, “I serve a higher power: Donald Trump.”

- short article, no more at link -

Something tells me that Mike Johnson already knew this, without the Almighty's formal declaration.

[Goonch]

1. ;-{)....

[SergeStorms]

2. I don't think....

90% of these gad-bothering "law makers" in government actually believe the religious drivel they profess to adhere to.
It's just another way to control the masses, same as it ever was.

[GiqueCee]

6. Long, long ago...

... I composed this explanation:
The sleaziest weasel in the cave said to the biggest bully in the cave, "You be government, and I'll be religion, and we'll have 'em by the short curlies for the 50 thousand years!" In whatever Cro-Magnon tongue was in common usage at the time.
Truer than ever today.

[SergeStorms]

8. "Sleaziest weasel."

Republicans existed way back then, huh?

[GiqueCee]

9. Well, I'm sure the Cro-Magnons...

... had a different guttural word for it, but the mindset we now call Republican – or just KKKonservative – had probably been an option in even the earliest models of human ancestors; they've always been with us, and, sadly, probably always will.

[Omnipresent]

3. I would say Mike has nothing to live for, but now he has to fear death!

[azureblue]

4. Jesus said it plainly

And this is a great thing to throw at a sanctimonious Republican. Like Mike..

Matthew 25:41-46
New International Version

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ 44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ 45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ 46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

[Wounded Bear]

5. Dear god, is there any way you could, you know, accelerate the schedule?

[Historic NY]

7. Welcome Mike