War, What is it Good For? Exposing the Admittedly Already Obvious Flaws in Our Current Government! (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Honestly, I haven’t been paying close attention this week. Are we still doing news? I caught a glimpse of Melania with her new robot boyfriend and assumed we were skipping straight to the dystopia.
(Links aplenty await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/war-what-is-it-good-for-exposing-the-admittedly-already-obvious-flaws-in-our-current-government/)
We’re still at war, excuse me, at excursion with Iran, I think? Total victory has been declared so frequently it’s honestly difficult to tell. The way international diplomacy works nowadays is there’s this rapist who descends further into dementia by the fucking hour, smearing red lines on the all-but-completely-gilded walls of the Oval Office in his own feces, casually concocting fake summits and imaginary alliances as his bluffs are called one by one.
The rapist is fed a daily compilation of ‘splosions, an essential part of every deteriorating megalomaniac’s balanced breakfast. Then it’s off to Truth Social to threaten a war crime or two. Details are left to the fellow with the socks from the push-up videos.
As Sun Tzu so famously said, the most important thing in war is to tip your friends and family off before announcing major strategic shifts so everybody can make a killing in the prediction markets. Also, it’s a fantastic opportunity to hit on Fox Nooz hosts.
We don’t need NATO’s help because the Strait of Hormuz is a Democrat hoax. Or if it does exist, it’s to be jointly controlled, just Donnie n’ the Ayatollah, resort hotels on either side, tourists traveling from around the world to cheer the execution of local dissidents.
Sure, gas prices are up a buck or so, but that’s peanuts compared to what the average Real American is pulling down in crypto bribes, and anyway, the TVs in the Situation Room don’t actually have a rewind button. A lot of people don’t know that.
So it’s full speed ahead. Boots on the ground. Today, Kharg Island, tomorrow Cuba! Then on to Greenland! This is the Don-roe Doctrine, not so much island hopping as careening. The Hungry Hungriest Hippo in Winter, grabbing up all he can before his grabbin’ hand blackens completely.
Can’t be much harder than Iwo Jima, right, Senator Graham? Perhaps that’s merely a unit of measurement in Lindsey’s bloody geometry. An Iwo Jima of young lives cut short. A Guadalcanal of widows.
Speaking of death, the Offal in Oval took a tacky little victory lap when Bob Mueller passed, and everyone was super impressed. And proud. I myself saw a bald eagle cry and a cherry tree sprung up where the eagle’s tear hit the ground and George Washington chopped that cherry tree down and made a bunch of wooden teeth. THAT’S how great America is again.
If you’re mad they’ve decided to slap a certain cognitive test-passer’s filthy signature on our currency, you’re really gonna hate the bit in Project 2029 where they tattoo it on every newborn in the nation.
America has a brand-new sweetheart: U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement! Seems like only yesterday they were gunning us down in the street, but there’s essentially nothing I can’t forgive once I see a guy handing out bottles of water. So I think we can declare mission accomplished on this particular redemption tour and get back to violating everybody’s fundamental human rights.
Incidentally, DOJ confessed that ICE never had the slightest fucking right to stage any of those grotesque arrests at immigration courthouses. If you were illegally detained by ICE, you may be entitled to a coupon good for one (1) package of generic, Oreo-like sandwich cookies at the foreign torture gulag commissary of your choosing.
The airport delays aren’t improving, of course, though future generations may not be able to grasp just how many water bottles those ICE agents passed out. With their muscles. Which are “much larger, and harder, muscles than most,” as observed by our Dearest of Leaders, who famously can guess a man’s shoe size from as much as nine feet away.
One billion taxpayer dollars are to be sent to a French energy company to bribe them into abandoning a couple of offshore wind projects, saving another eleventy billion American lives from Windmill Turbine Cancer, a very real thing that happens all the time.
And as much fun as I had paying for that, coughing up my share of Mike Flynn’s $1.2 million settlement was probably my favorite abuse of the U.S. Treasury this week. On the other hand, there’s that $1.2 billion they’re embezzling from the State Department into the warmongers’ “Board of Peace.” Gosh, it’s so hard to choose. But I don’t suppose we don’t need to. Or get to.
Despite Aileen Cannon’s best efforts, some new details from Jack Smith’s investigation leaked. I guess one of the documents that rapist stole was classified so hard only six people were allowed to see it. Media reports failed to specify how many people were allowed to store this document in their bathroom, however.
I see Pete Hegseth’s pastor wants to crucify James Talarico. Those Trump Bibles must skip over some stuff, y’know? Mike Johnson’s copy is clearly missing the bit about the golden calf, for example.
Given the above, it’s no surprise the Dotard’s endorsement no longer carries much weight in his (heh) home district. Yeah, we’re already doing Sharia law at Mar-a-Lago, which should help with the health code violations.
Short tonight! Definitely missed some stuff this week, as I am making awkward, flailing stabs at networking at C2E2. Speaking of which, big news is incoming about the COMIC BOOK, so be on the lookout, Kickstarter backers! If you didn’t back the Kickstarter, fear not; another opportunity is juuuuuust around the corner.
In the meantime, boy howdy I need a beer. Fascism PLUS networking? That’s just unfair. Feel free to kick a buck or two into the ol’ beer fund (via Venmo, PayPal, or Cash App), or join my email list, or follow @john_luzar. But whatever you do, please oh please stay safe out there, me hearties…
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