Any recommendations on dealing with a future daughter in law (possible) narcissist

[DUU]

Our son came in and told us he’s getting married to “L”
Great, congratulations!
Then the unusual requests ==> demands start.
He tell us:
L says I have to change religion and I will.
L says we (as future grandparents) won’t be able to see their kids if certain conditions are or are not met.
… etc.
Asked what compromises she was willing to make, none.
He also was riding with her in her car recently (in her crowded city with limited/ small parking spaces) where she hit and damaged 2 cars on 2 separate occasions within an hour. He got out and indicated damage she replied don’t worry about it and drove off both times.

It’s his choice to marry but no clue on how we can deal with someone like L.
Pointers, tips or resources appreciated.

[SheltieLover]

1. He doesn't see a problem with her behavior?

Suggest a prenup & couples therapy.

Good luck!

[DUU]

2. No he doesn't seem to see any issues. A friend suggested he's thinking with his other head.

[SheltieLover]

5. Sounds like it, sadly.

[bluestarone]

3. Well, i would NOT want her in my house

EVER!!

[SheltieLover]

6. Same here.

[MineralMan]

7. I'm not sure this is the right place for your post.

You're in a tough situation, and DUers are not professionals at advising in such situations.

I suggest you speak to someone who is, since care will be needed not to alienate your son.

[Renew Deal]

17. You don't need "professionals" to figure out how to lead your life.

Especially considering that their goal is to keep you coming back. Some common sense from the communities they participate in is more useful.

[MineralMan]

19. Perhaps not, but sometimes, advice from professionals

can help you clarify your questions and find pathways to get through a problem.

I'm not sure DU is the place to find them, though.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

8. What are the conditions about visiting grandkids?

[GPV]

9. Firm boundaries. There are good videos on how to

have Cluster Bs in your life on YouTube. Narcissistic, Histrionic, Anti-Social, and Borderline.

And I know this is hard but I'm a cluster b from a cluster b family, but sometimes it helps to have compassion for them, or at least for the children they were. Trump and Dubya made me nuts, but I still feel terribly sad for the lost little boys they must have been.

[NewHendoLib]

10. Our daughter's former boyfriend, father of our 1 yr old grandson,

is a toxic/malignant narcissist. We're still trying to figure out how to deal with him.

[Ocelot II]

11. Hoo boy.

Not much you can do to talk him out of it - the harder you try the more he'll dig in -- but make it clear that there's a two-way street and if she's imposing conditions you will impose some of your own, e.g., we'll babysit only if xxx; if we can't see the grandkids we won't be providing any financial support for them (college funds, inheritance, etc.); we won't bail you out financially if she gets into money trouble. Write it down. If he goes ahead anyhow and she takes his money and his kids, it's on him. For sure he should try to get a prenup, though I doubt she'd sign.

[MuseRider]

12. Get help.

I was not allowed to see my first grandchild until she was somewhere between 4 and 5. It was because of a program that was going around about kids leaving their parents totally because..... something something bullshit. It was a program you could read about and hear the info on the net, it sickened me but it took a lot of therapy on my end to get through it. I did then they did. It is all good now but I cannot say how it felt having people send me her pictures when I had no idea what she looked like and they did not know about it. SO much more but find help, this is different but sounds like one of those kinds of "programs" . Get help soon if you think it is going bad.

My son came around, will not talk about it. I did find out from some of his friends who it was who pushed him into it and why he actually let it in. It was a mess but everything now is as it should be.

I would not say too much to them, please get help and see if you can stop it before it gets worth.

*******Much of this may be totally different but please just know, she sounds the type and you need to know how to dance around it before it becomes you who she goes for. IT CAN BE FIXED

[harumph]

13. (assuming) your description is accurate, she's likely a narcissist and most definitely unethical.

If your son maintains his position, you have nothing to lose by hiring a private investigator to look into
her past. If she's clean - oh well. If she's not, covertly undermine her. Not implying anything illegal.
That said, you must be ruthless. She is obviously a bad person. Period.

[Traildogbob]

14. Run Forest Run!!!!

[QED]

15. Leaving the scene of an accident is a crime.

Is he prepared to deal with her legal issues?

[DUU]

20. Seriously, she's a lawyer.

[Arazi]

22. If both of her hit and runs were caught on camera

She may face serious charges when/if she’s caught.

That might end the relationship for him

[Renew Deal]

16. Some people only learn the hard way

And he is likely to be one of those people.

There is nothing you can say to him. He’s going to have to realize it on his own.

You can ask him what the point is of having a religion if he can so easily change it for another person. Also, you can tell him that you will only attend his wedding if certain conditions are met.

You can also make comments/threats about inheritance.

I don’t know if the more harsh actions are worth it. But the biggest thing you should help him discover is that he’s changing himself for a partner, and that is often not sustainable. Tell him to stop being such a wimp. He will find someone that likes who he is, not some fake image of who some partner wants him to be.

[Irish_Dem]

18. Focus on him, ask him questions in a neutral way.

1. How are you feeling about changing your religion?
What religion does she want you to embrace??
What are the values of this religion.

2. What are the conditions the grandparents must adhere to in order to see the kids?

3. What happened leading up to car accidents?
Was she drinking or doing drugs?
Does she have a history of auto accidents?
________________________________

I suggest you look up this gal online.
It is likely she has a police record.
Go to the city and county records online and enter name.

She sounds narcissistic with borderline and antisocial traits.
Interesting too, because before the wedding it is good as it gets.
It is going to be downhill from here.

[kimbutgar]

21. Do they live together now ?

Tell him they should live together for one year to see if they are fully capable so as to not have to divorce. And just say that getting married one should not have to change their religion or give restrictions on grandparents.

I married without living with my first husband who also made these demands and ended up divorced. When I got serious with my current husband I lived with him to see if we were capable and now 36 years later we’ve been married. Tell him getting divorced is bad and he should live with her first for at least 6 months. Those demands she’s making are indicative that she is a self bitch. The restrictions she’s putting on him and her inconsiderate actions after hitting those cars are a serious red flag.

[highplainsdem]

23. Did you ask him how he felt about her driving off after damaging other people's cars? The fact

that he told you about it at all indicates her behavior made him uncomfortable.

Her doing anything so unethical needs to be stressed. It's unlikely she'll change, especially since she's old enough to have a law degree. And she'll be setting a bad example for their children.

Which unfortunately we saw when a spoiled princess married into our family.

It's also a very bad sign that she's so domineering, insisting he change his religion, and already warning of rules for you.

But that's a sign of what could go wrong in the future.

Her damaging those cars without caring shows she's already unethical as hell, and she expects him to tolerate it and might be just as unethical toward him.