Spurious News: Trump awards contract to tear down entire White House to himself!
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- Protesters, bearing pitchforks, torches, metal-cutting saws for breaching steel fences, at least three guillotines and two electric chairs, and other implements of mass destruction circled the White House today as it was learned King Donald Trump, who has been tearing down the East Wing of the White House to make room for an unnecessary and unaffordable ballroom, has decided to raze the entire structure. Further, he awarded a $125 million contract for the demolition to himself.
"The White House has been the home of thousands of woke acts," said Trump, "and in our journey to eliminate woke from the national conversation we must destroy the old and ugly White House and remake it in the mold of our greatest president, me."
Plans for the replacement White House have already been revealed. The new structure will look exactly like, and offer the same services as, the Arctic Restaurant and Hotel - the Canadian brothel his grandfather Friedrich Trump founded during the Klondike Gold Rush.
While the $125 million price for the demolition seems very high, a White House spokesman who asked for a one-way plane ticket to "the last place that fat fuck's goon squad would ever look for me" - we sent him to a small community on the other side of Puget Sound from Seattle, which he was happy with - in exchange for an interview explained that it wasn't unexpected. "Trump owes $125 million to Big Tony Infantino, the Philadelphia gangster who holds the mortgage on at least three of Trump's properties including Mar-a-Lago, and there's no other way he'd ever get that much money together at one time." The spokesman also told Spurious News Network Trump has set the boxes containing the Epstein Files on land mines with fuzes that will fire them if any of the boxes are ever moved or disturbed, and that are daisy-chained together so tampering with one box fires all the mines at once.
The crowds gathered around the White House were evenly divided between Republicans and Democrats. While the two parties have their differences, they are united in the belief Trump can't be allowed to tear down the White House.
The Secret Service assured the crowd the White House is in fact safe from demolition. "We hid the keys for the excavator Trump was going to use to tear down the White House by tying them to a cinder block and throwing it in the ocean 200 miles off the coast," said a Secret Service officer who requested anonymity, "then called all the companies that sell or rent heavy machinery on the East Coast and told them not to do business with Trump. After they found out why we asked, all of them were more than happy to comply."
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