Spurious News: Trump makes offer to Harvard
CAMBRIDGE, MASS (Spurious News Network) -- The Board of Overseers of Harvard University, the oldest university in America, recently received a letter addressed from 1100 South Ocean Boulevard in the city of Palm Beach, Florida.
The letter reads, "Nice little university you've got there. It'd be a shame if anything happened to it. If you enroll Barron Trump today, make sure he graduates as the valedictorian of his class even if he doesn't do any work and sign your entire endowment over to Donald J. Trump, maybe I won't close you down, bulldoze all your buildings, and use your land for better purposes by building a Trump Hotel and Trump Golf Course where your shitty little basketweaving school used to be. Or, maybe I still will even if you give me all your money."
Harvard immediately posted to its website a new course, free for all, entitled "How to tell if your president thinks he's a Mafia boss."
The Board of Overseers issued this statement: "We can't do any of that. Barron Trump is a highly-intelligent young man, as you can see by the fact that he was accepted into New York University. NYU is a fine university with high standards; they wouldn't have accepted Barron just because he was Donald Trump's son. The only reason we didn't accept him is his father is such a cheap bastard he wouldn't have paid for a dorm room or meal plan here; because he attends NYU he is able to live at home. Security isn't the issue; over Harvard's long history many children of world leaders have attended without issue. Even if we accepted him he couldn't become valedictorian because Harvard doesn't have them; we have fifty undergraduate concentrations so it would make no sense to declare one undergraduate the top student in a graduating class. And there's no way in hell we're giving that idiot fifty-three billion dollars. Just so you know, we don't offer a fiber arts program. Massachusetts College of Art and Design and Rhode Island School of Design have that program and do a really good job with it."
This statement was issued to the press and to King Donald Trump himself, but first to every supermarket within a 50-mile radius of Trump's home so they could suspend the sale of ketchup until he calmed down.
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Guy could open a business school for crooks.
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