BREAKING NEWS: Harvard cancer grant's loss is Idaho trade school's big gain
Last edited Wed May 28, 2025, 12:07 PM - Edit history (1)
President Donald Trump’s recent announcement that he would be stripping billions of dollars in federal grants towards various Harvard University subsidized research programs and redistributing such funds toward trade schools has inevitably already produced a long line of both winners and losers.
One such loser would be a $180 million funded program for an experimental new therapy for patients with various gastroenterological cancers, already underway at several hospitals across the nation.
Initial results of such therapies have already shown significant promise in attacking the growth of these notoriously hard-to-treat cancers, but with federal funding for the program now cut, the future of treatments for even existing patients has now become uncertain.
“We really thought we were on the cusp of a breakthrough,” said Dr. William Schneider, M.D., a gastric oncologist in charge of administering the program at one Atlanta-area hospital. “I mean, we were this close. But I suppose that’s just the natural consequence of elections, and to every one person’s yin, there will inevitably be another person’s yang. My only hope is that whoever does benefit from this funding will in turn benefit society as a whole.”
The sole beneficiary of that $180 million sum turned out to be none other than the Upper Snake River Valley School for Automotive Detailing and Modification, located in Sugar City, Idaho roughly a half-hour from Idaho Falls.
“Wow, one hundred eighty million,” remarked USRVSADM President Jim Phillips upon hearing the news. “I’m just truly gobsmacked. All I can say is that if you’re driving down State Road 48 in Rigby in the near future and you notice an unusually high amount of low-riding cars with neon-fluorescent undercarriage lights, you’ll know your tax dollars are being put to good use.”
USRVSADM, which has been in business since 2022, provides its students with the opportunity to train and apprentice with local autobody mechanic and technicians in the installation of after-market parts on trucks, cars, vans, motorcycles and sport-utility vehicles. Its stated goal is to become “one of the top 10 schools of its kind in the Upper Mountain West” by the end of the next decade.
“When you hear a modified dual exhaust pipe from a car that sounds like a trumpet’s being blown three inches from your eardrum, you are hearing the music of USRVSADM’s best and finest at work,” Phillips said. “And thanks to President Trump, you’ll be hearing a whole lot more of those types of noises these days.”
While it was not clear where the bulk of the money would be directed, Phillips did provide some potential avenues based on the latest after-market trends.
“Wraps are huge these days,” Phillips noted. “We had one guy come in with a Cybertruck who wanted that ‘Fight, Fight, Fight’ picture of Trump in his assassination attempt covering his entire vehicle. We got it done for him within a week, but with the added money coming in, we could have him in and out in just a day. It will be truly a miracle of science to behold.”
Phillips did, however, express some sympathy for the cancer patients who would be missing out on the federal grant money.
“Listen, life has been known to deal some folks a bad hand of cards,” Phillips said. “And I hate it every bit as much as the next person does. All I can say for those people is that if they are ever in Eastern Idaho and they want something to distract themselves from their health problems, they know where to go to get a slamming body kit for that Honda Civic of theirs.”
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Well played.
...in order to avoid the newest round of tariffs.
Political humor seems dead to me lately. What used to come off as ridiculous now stands on its own as a cautionary tale, perhaps a prophecy of dystopian reality to come.
When I was younger, I'd sometimes see a political cartoon from some troubled 3rd world nation and think, "wow, that's way more grim than comedic, American cartoons are way funnier." Now we're heading in that direction, and... well, I don't like it.
So the doctor in Atlanta himself isn't real.
However, the threat to Harvard funded cancer research very much is real:
Link to tweet
Prayers/thoughts to your wife and her treatment.
